Ray's journal
by MNLMFangirl
Summary: Achievement hunter/Mavin/Raywood/GeoffXJack/JackXGeoff. Ray starts a journal to record his thoughts especially on recent events happening in his life. Especially his thoughts about Ryan. But when life seems perfect that's when something is bound to send an unpredictable curve ball right into your life to get you. What will happen to them? Warning: Yaoi and rated M for talk of sex.
1. Chapter 1

Chapter one: Entry one.

I'm still not sure about this but here I go.

Hi I'm Ray and I work in Rooster teeth and am a proud member of a group known as Achievement hunter.

It's a lot of fun to be honest and there is usually something going on there which makes every day special.

Though if I'm to be honest there is another thing that's special at work... There may or may not be a little someone special there as well...

He's absolutely handsome, his eyes are really beautiful and his winning smile just makes my heart skip a beat. He has a wonderful personality and he cares so much about those close to him like me. He's a magnificent sight to behold that I often have to force myself to turn away before I got caught staring. He's also smart and cunning as he uses them in ways that are just so damn hot.

I'm afraid to admit my feelings to him just in case it completely ruins our friendship and I really don't want that. I want to never lose what we have going on between us ever.

He makes me happy and I love him for it.

For now I'll only be confessing this to this journal here because I only started this to get my thoughts out by writing them down.

I guess I'm hoping that this will help me get my thoughts together or something I'm not actually sure.

Anyways who this person is you might be wondering... If you could talk and think... Well... I guess I could tell you... I doubt anyone's going to find this.

The answer is my coworker Ryan. His fully name is Ryan Haywood.

He's amazing in so many ways and he swirls around in my thoughts so much that it's sometimes hard to concentrate on something.

I wonder if he likes me back. I'm not sure as he can be good at hiding his emotions when he wants to. I'm not even sure about telling him about my feelings. I wish I knew what to do then maybe I would be able to actually get somewhere.

... Maybe I'll just move away from that topic for now and figure it out later...

Tomorrow we are doing crime Lord in GTA V. I think it'll be interesting since Ryan is the lead in this. Plus knowing my other coworkers this will be an interesting ride.

After filming that I have to do some voice acting for X-ray and Vav. So I probably won't see Ryan for a bit but it's work plus I'll see him after I'm sure. I think that the X-ray and Vav show is a neat idea since I get to portray a hero so it is fun sometimes. I like some of the lines that they come up with and I won't be fully sure what lines I'll get this time but they should be good lines.

Well that's probably all that I'm going to put in here for now.

Got some halo to play as I try to relax now that I'm home off of work.

Maybe I might do this again when I remember or have the time. It was nice to get some thoughts out.

Well until next time then.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter two: Entry two.

Oh my god! I can't believe what happened today!

I know that it's been what a week or two since my last entry but I just got amazing news today that I'm still freaking out about!

You'll never guess who just asked me on a date!

RYAN!

The one I have the hugest crush on!

Ryan Haywood!

I of course immediately accepted his request and we'll be going on our date in a few hours. I just had to write down this joyous news right as soon as I got home. I can hardly sit still to even write this right now but it's the perfect time to do this so I can just enjoy even the aftermath of happiness from the date.

There's still the question of what should I wear.

Ryan's gonna be here to pick me up at about seven to go for dinner.

I want to look my best... But...

I can't be too formal as I think that might be a bit overboard. I can't be too casual because it might give the wrong impression. Perhaps a nice shirt and tie? I don't even know. But I do know that I have to think of something that is just right and something that Ryan will enjoy seeing me in. I want to give him the best impression on our first date.

This is making me nervous like butterflies are flying around inside of my stomach but I'm still just so happy that this is actually happening.

It's a dream come true!

I've waited so long to be with him and it's finally coming true! I'm so happy that he took that initiative and asked me out because I'm not sure I could sum up the courage to do so with the fear of ruining things. I can't mess this up, not when my dream has finally come true.

The long awaited day has arrived!

I love Ryan so much so I can't ruin this.

There's so much to think about. I'll probably have a quick shower just in case before I get ready. There's nothing wrong with doing your best for the one that you're in love with right?

Hm now that I think about it maybe I should have a blazer nearby just in case he shows up like so then I can just grab it.

That might actually be a good idea. That way I won't really give off the wrong impression and I can be just like him.

Surely he'll like that.

This is so exciting! My leg is bouncing from the excitement rushing through me.

My first date... With a guy... I've only dated two girls before I even came to Rooster teeth so that was a long time ago.

It didn't turn out so well...

But this one is different. This one I have such powerful feelings for him and I've never been as excited as I am for a date before.

This relationship is special that's for sure with no argument otherwise.

I will do my best for Ry because that's what he deserves. I mean he's such an amazing person and everything.

So handsome and he has this really kind side of him that definitely probably caught the attention of girls on top of being extremely handsome.

I could simply go on and on about him he's that wonderful! I can't wait for our date!

SHIT!

I should be getting ready! I've spent so much time freaking out in excitement that I just realized that I should be getting ready.

I'll continue this after the date to write down how it went.

...

The date went amazing. My plan with having the blazer to the side worked like a charm.

Ryan was definitely dressed up so I felt good about being just as dressed up.

He took me to this really nice restaurant called Sunrise.

It was really good food there and we talked and even got to hold hands. It was an amazing date!

Then when the bill came I offered to split it with him but he paid for it before I could do anything. That was so sweet of him to do.

He even drove me home and I made sure that he knew that I had a great time plus he agreed that he also had a wonderful time.

We are definitely doing it again and again.

I can't wait until the next date.

But for now I'll be ending this entry. Until next time.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter three: Third entry.

It's been a month since my last entry.

Ryan has been the greatest boyfriend I could ever ask for. He is so amazing sometimes I feel like I don't deserve such a wonderful man... But I am happy that I'm allowed to be with him. He doesn't care if someone disagrees with our relationship but if anyone tries anything he's ready to defend me.

I definitely feel safe and loved around him. Like nothing bad can touch me.

Everyone at Rooster teeth is so happy that we are happy and together. A bunch even told us that it was about time we finally admitted our feelings for each other.

It's great to know that we are accepted at work.

Not long later Michael and Gavin admitted their relationship. They'd been together for awhile but when they saw that everyone was okay with me and Ryan they felt that it was time to go public at work with it.

Though Geoff obviously seemed to know about their relationship yet no surprise there.

Apparently Michael and Gavin have also been talking about moving in together at Michaels place. It's not decided yet though.

Besides that imagine our surprise when Ryan tried to bug Gavin about being bottom but ended up getting a confession that it's the other way around. Not that it really mattered but knowing that in secret Michael enjoyed being bottom wasn't something any of us would have guessed.

Well either way I'm happy that they have found happiness together. I know that they will treat each other well so there is no worry about anything bad there.

Well anyways me and Ryan have been spending quite a bit of time together and it's almost like each other's homes are home to the both of us. Which is really nice because I get so many cuddles and I get to do things with Ryan too.

We've cooked, baked, played games including making a private world in Minecraft for us, went for walks, went on dates of course, just hung out watching a movie and so much more. Of course we do kiss, say I love you and hold hands as well but we also do that in public. We haven't had sex yet but there's no need to rush that.

When we feel that it's the right time then we will have sex. For now I'm happy with the relationship that I have with him.

I really do believe that we were meant to be which makes me happy to have him to myself and let him have me to himself. It's a wonderful feeling to be with him. I wouldn't trade this for the world even.

As long as Ryan is there with me then I'm happy because he just brings so much joy to me. He's so great and loving.

It's a wonderful life that I have and I couldn't be happier with it.

Well that's it for now.

Until next time.


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter four: Fourth entry.

Wow it's been so long since I've written in this.

I've been enjoying my life with Ryan so I kind of forgot about this.

Well it's been about six months since my last entry. So I'll try to summarize the interesting things that I did over that time. But I'll be saving the best for last of course.

The rest of us have been noticing something interesting.

Despite being married Geoff has shown secret interest in Jack and he hasn't seemed to have noticed but Jack seems to also have feelings for Geoff.

However neither of them are actually acting upon these feelings probably because of Geoff's marriage with Griffon.

We're sure that Geoff still loves Griffon but now it seems that she is sharing his heart with Jack even if they haven't admitted it yet. It seems obvious to us that is what is going on.

This isn't something that we can help them in right now. They need to decide what they are going to do and I have a feeling that Geoff will decide what to do after possibly talking to Griffon about it probably soon if I had to guess seeing as they are being more obvious about their feelings for each other. But since there isn't really anything that we can do so I can't really say much more about it.

Recently Michael and Gavin have begun moving into their own place. They ended up deciding to get a small house for themselves. They're really excited to get it all done but they are usually tired from moving all of their stuff.

It is a lot of work to move after all but it's good that they are taking the steps forward that they feel ready for.

I can't wait until they finish moving so maybe I could visit and check out where they're living now.

Geoff got the rest of us together after Michael and Gavin left after work. He brought up this idea to celebrate this big move forward for the two and all of us agreed with that.

We've begun planning for the party that will happen here at Rooster teeth and of course they are getting alcohol and non-alcohol drinks since I don't drink. It's going to be great as everyone will get together after work to celebrate it.

I wonder if they've thought about engagement or not yet. They probably are close to engagement by now.

Only they know but it'll be interesting to see who will propose first.

I bet it'll be something lovely like maybe Gavin might take Michael with him to back to England to do it there. However that is only a guess since we don't know right now.

Only time will tell for that. But I'll laugh if I actually turn out to be right which I might not actually be right about it.

Recently there has been talk about the Mad King returning in the X-ray and Vav series after his most recent defeat.

I wonder if maybe there will be an episode where the Mad King and X-ray fall in love or something.

After all X-ray so far seems to not hold a love like Vav does for Ash despite Gavin actually being with Michael. Not like it matters since it's just a show and not reality. Gavin usually will run to cuddle, hug or even kiss Michael after getting out of doing any voice acting where Vav fawns over Ash. It's interesting to see as Gavin probably feels wrong whenever he has to read those lines but Michael understands that it is just a show nothing more. Michael just goes along to make Gavin feel better and in truth he doesn't seem to mind the attention from the other at all as to be expected.

Early yesterday Gavin announced that next week after they finished moving in he and Michael were heading to England so Gavin's parents can meet Michael enforcing my idea that he might propose in England. Oh my god I hope so because that means that I was right!

Either way they are definitely serious about each other but no surprise there. Everyone is just waiting for them to get engaged now.

Now for the best part that I saved for last!

Last night me and Ryan had sex. It was amazing. I'm still sore from it but I was so happy to give my virginity, of having sex with a guy, to Ryan.

He was caring and made sure that I was okay with every move that he made and of course I was.

I'm still actually covered in hickeys from Ryan but I did also give him some as well. We were able to cover them but even with them under my clothes I felt proud to have them on my body as it gives me an even stronger happy feeling of being all Ryan's. I didn't actually think that the feeling than what I already had so it was a little surprising there. But then again knowing that he filled me with his cum as an even stronger claim of ownership also did help in that so maybe just having it extra confirmed probably is what made the feeling stronger.

I definitely will be doing that with Ryan again because it was just so amazing.

Feeling him fill me was so satisfying so no condoms for us. We trust each other to be clean plus I want him to cum in me again if I'm honest. I truly loved it and I can't wait for next time.

How did it happen? Well we started by watching a movie at my place on the couch after work.

We began to kiss and I ended up straddling him then he ended up squeezing my ass getting me even more excited than I already was. I let him know that it was okay with a soft moan and I did slightly buck my hips into his. I also grinded against his own erection pulling a beautiful moan from him.

It escalated from there and we ended up on my bed with me on my back, Ryan hovering over top of me as he thrusted into me over and over again while we let out pleasured sounds at this. Even calling each other's names as we got sucked into the world of pleasure in making love with each other.

It's definitely one of the memories that I will always hold close and cherish as I will forever remember that night.

Maybe the time we do it again will be when I'm not sore anymore but Ryan is always patient with me so he'll wait for as long as it takes.

It's something that makes me fall deeper in love with him even as my love for him has filled in both my soul and heart.

I don't know when I'll write in here again but I kind of am tired right now but I want a warm bath before heading to bed.

So until next time.


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter five: Fifth entry.

Okay I am actually writing this at work since I decided to bring this here and write it here at Rooster teeth. I'm alone in the Achievement hunter office anyways so it's the perfect time to do this. Since I haven't told anyone about this but it's not like it's something huge as it's just me writing down my thoughts.

Okay so here I go. The interesting stuff.

It's been a year since me and Ryan got together to give an idea of how long it's been.

So a few months ago Jack and Geoff finally decided to get together and Geoff did talk with Griffon who agreed to let Geoff have both her and Jack.

Gavin over heard them and spread the news excitedly to the Achievement hunters and we all are happy for them.

I guess now I know how the others feel about the whole finally they're together thing as we've all been waiting to see what will happen between them.

They did end up finding out that the Achievement hunters knew so they didn't even hide it and the rest of Rooster teeth lets everyone do what they want with their love life as long as they are happy.

Of course out of the Achievement hunters they are the only ones that haven't told the fans about their relationship.

Michael and Gavin were first on Twitter and Facebook and the fans went nuts. Sure there was some homophobes that tried to make them feel bad about being gay together but the other fans as well as Rooster teeth employees jumped to their defence. They haven't let that get to them at all which I'm happy for them.

Me and Ryan came out with our relationship in a let's play of Minecraft. We got a similar reaction however there were less homophobes this time around. Not that it mattered because the fans can think what they want and that shouldn't affect our relationship. We are happy that there are people that are ready to support us even against those that hate us for being gay though. It's always nice to know that there are good people out there.

The four of us have been posting pictures of us that show our relationship and the Mavin and Raywood fandoms have exploded ever since the fans two ships became cannon or at least that's how they put is real right?

Either way it's great to be able to be even more public about our relationships.

So I was right. Gavin proposed to Michael in England. They posted the picture of Gavin proposing in a beautiful park with a bunch of flowers around. This was of course after they came out to the fans about their relationship since they confirmed it when they were on the plane to go to England when they decided to make it public to the fans.

I just can't believe that I was right about them getting engaged but I was still happy for them.

Just last month they had their wedding and it was perfect.

Michael wore a white suit and Gavin wore a black one.

What I found interesting was that since Michael didn't have a father in his life but instead just a loving mother Geoff ended up going with Michael down the isle to hand him off to Gavin.

It was really touching to watch this happen that I almost started crying myself then Ryan hugged me as we sat there together.

Millie got to be the flower girl as well and Jack walked with Griffon since Geoff was bringing Michael.

Not surprising seeing as how Geoff and Jack see the rest of us as like their children.

Then when the pastor said that he was now presenting Michael and Gavin Free I thought that it was cool that they decided to go with Gavin's last name. So now Michael Jones has become Michael Free. The long awaited moment has arrived.

The after the wedding party was great as well.

I got a good picture of Michael and Gavin having their first dance.

There of course was also the bell that people could ring to have the two kiss. When it was brought up we watched Jack run over and ring it with a smile before running away back to his seat. It was great and people especially loved ringing it when the two were eating as there was of course a buffet set up for anyone who wanted food which pretty much everyone did.

Yup it was a great wedding.

They'll soon be returning from their honeymoon so they'll be learning of the news that me and Ryan have seeing as the two seemed to have not checked Tumbler or Facebook over their honeymoon.

Yup me and Ryan made a big step forward but I'll get to that in a moment.

Me and Ryan moved into his place since it's a nice home perfect for us. We made the move while Michael and Gavin were away.

But it doesn't stop there as there is even bigger news.

Ryan took me to this beautiful place an hour drive out of the city.

It was a beautiful field with flowers seemingly untouched by human hands. I became distracted by some roses and that's when Ryan made sure everything was set up.

Since the car was close he snuck the camera and camera stand from the back to set up where it could see us.

Then with the roses beside us he got on one knee and asked me to marry him!

Yes! He proposed to me!

Of course as expected I accepted right away.

That day he made me the happiest man alive. It was truly amazing. Even he smiled wide as he was so happy that I accepted.

I can't wait to see how happy Michael and Gavin will be that me and Ryan are finally engaged.

We're just perfect for each other there is no question about it.

I don't know if I'll have time as we work to plan for the upcoming wedding. We're mostly deciding on what we want before ordering anything just yet. It's gonna be a lot of work.

I'll leave this journal at work for now and write in it when I get the chance.

So until next time.


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter six: Sixth entry.

Hey Ray… It's Joel…

I know you probably didn't expect anyone else to write in this but when we found it at your desk I thought that maybe it could be used to bring you up to date when you come back. I hope you don't mind.

Alright so here it all goes.

I know it's only been about three days so there won't be too much to fill you in on but I will still do my best along with everyone else.

Things haven't really been the same with you guys around. Your desks are getting cold and the Achievement hunter office seems rather empty now.

I know that Michael and Gavin will be returning within the next week but this all has also affected them greatly… Especially Michael… Don't worry they are still together and Gavin is doing the best he can to help Michael right now but it would really help when you come back to us to be honest.

Michael wanted to see you the moment that he could but it seems he might not be able to face you now after that first time.

We just hope that everything will be okay in time.

Ryan hasn't left your side and it got so bad that others had to bring him stuff to eat… Even if he doesn't really have an appetite anymore… He really does love you as that much is obvious… But… He's also hardly even spoken to anyone… However I do sometimes overhear him talking to you which I'm glad that he hasn't decided to go almost completely mute on everyone.

Also as you probably guessed Ryan and Gavin haven't been coming in to work. They've been staying with you and Michael. Now that is true dedication and if I was wearing a hat I would definitely be tipping it in respect to their devotion. It truly is a touching thing to watch despite the circumstances.

I try not to listen for too long because I know that it's not truly for my ears though so I can't really say much on what he talks to you about.

Geoff and Jack have been using stock piled videos to keep up with the posting deadlines but they also did a let's build just yesterday. They built a special house just for you and Ryan in Achievement city so you two can have a place to share when you get back. Plus they even added some pictures of you and Ryan together as decoration. It's actually pretty well done to be honest so they hope that you two will like it.

Jack has been thinking about moving in with Geoff and Griffon possibly taking Gavin's old room unless it's decided that he'll stay in Geoff and Griffon's room with them… None of us know right now though so only time will tell on that…

Maybe the move will happen before you come back and it could be another surprise for you. Guess we'll have to wait and see.

Don't worry I didn't read your other entries so those are safe. Promise.

Oh and I have thought about asking the others to write in this to share their thoughts and everything with you. So you'll be hearing from more than just me.

I also hope you don't mind but in time we'll let Ryan have this if you can't come back yet. I plan on letting him know later since he'll want to keep it but I know that there are people who have something that they want to say to you so this might be easier for them. Again hope you don't mind. If you do mind you can kick my ass when you come back.

Well that's pretty much all that I have to say right now. Come back soon.

Joel.


	7. Chapter 7

Chapter seven: Seventh entry.

Hey Ray. Geoff here.

It's only been a week since you've been gone but even with Jack there I must admit that the Achievement hunter office does feel a little cold. I mean you four are all our children to us so I guess it is reasonable. We all miss you.

Michael and Gavin are back making it not as cold but… Michael isn't doing too well I'm afraid… It's mostly mental right now… We all are trying to be there for him, Gavin especially but there is only so much that we can do right now… It is good to see them here and there at work but they don't always stay the entire time though it is okay considering what happened… We all just want to support them as best as we can.

Ryan still is with you so he's been gone as well. Can't help it though since he is your future husband. He's head over heels for you and everyone understands about why he's been away so no one is even bugging him about returning right now.

The fans hope that you two will return soon as they also miss you guys.

It'll be great to have you back.

Now since this is only two days after Joel's entry there isn't too much else to catch you up on but I'll do my best.

Jack has made the move to come live with me, Griffon and Millie.

It is nice to have him with us at home now especially during this time.

We all miss you and Griffon insists that when you and Ryan come back all of the Achievement hunters are hanging out at our place for a night. No way around it so you'll probably learn about that when you come back but I'm sure that you won't mind.

So we hope to see you soon and I'll be passing it to Jack to add his thoughts.

Hey Ray. It's Jack now.

I know that you probably won't read any of these for a while but I do agree that it truly will be beneficial for us all to get some things out for now.

However we can tell that there is so much that Michael wants to tell you but we believe that it might be best for him to wait to talk to you in person. It'll probably be for the best for the sake of his mental health. So we'll be telling Michael and Gavin about this later for right now. I guess we'll see how long it'll take before you can come back to us.

Gavin has been trying his best with Michael right now and we all can tell that it does help to have Gavin ready to do whatever he needs to in order to help so we let him do whatever is needed.

Even the higher ups are very understanding of both and you and Michael's situation. So don't worry about missing work as you're covered just like how the other three are covered.

I have heard some talk about some celebration being planned for when you come back. We had a welcome back for Michael as well in the morning. I'm sure it lifted his spirits even if it was just a small bit.

Though we hope that you can come back soon I must say that you can take all the time that you need in order to come back.

No matter what we'll always see you as family.

That's pretty much it for me.

Can't wait to see you again. All of us can't wait Ray so expect some tears when you come back.

Jack and Geoff.


	8. Chapter 8

Chapter eight: Eighth entry.

X-ray. It's me. Vav or well Gavin really.

I'm sure that you might be worried about Michael after reading the others entries but don't worry. We've got him.

He's actually been doing better. It might not be fast going but it's moving along.

I've been taking him to see you every now and again and I'm sorry that we don't stay long but I don't want to overwhelm Michael with staying too long right.

As I said it's slow but it's coming along.

I stay at his side almost all the time. We've cuddled more than we ever have before but I am not complaining about the cuddling part.

It's okay. I've got him so don't worry it will be okay.

He hasn't been drinking since that dreadful day but it is understandable. He has told me that he is never going to drink again however I don't mind because I will still love him the same amount regardless.

I was told about this first before they told Michael about it which I think was a good move. It'll be better for him to be able to talk to you in person instead of writing it down. At least that's what I think and I'm sure the others agree about that.

I know that it's almost been two week since you've been gone as of right now but I really do believe that I should write to you so you don't worry too much about Michael.

So other than that I don't have too much to tell you about since I've mostly been cuddling Michael or making sure that he gets something to eat but I can try my best.

Well I heard about the house that was built and I think that you are really going to like it. It might even be a Minecraft dream home for you guys. I don't want to spoil too much from what I was shown of it but it has two floors and it has a great lay out to it. Can't wait to see your reaction to it! And I know that Geoff and Jack are really excited for you to see it!

There is talk of a big Rooster teeth sleep over with a whole bunch of events going on as the fans watch. It's going to be a lot of fun for everyone and who knows how things will end up going at it. I also heard that they want to wait for you to come back before they decide to go through with it. Right now they are just going to plan what will happen in the event or at least the activities and not how they will turn out in the end. It'll be exciting.

That's really it other than that everyone has been mostly doing normal work for now so yeah not much to report.

Can't wait to see you again. See you hopefully soon Ray.

From Gavin.


	9. Chapter 9

Chapter nine: Ninth entry.

Hey Ray. It's Michael.

Gavin told me about this and suggested that I write in here as that it might really help me. Especially since I have so much that I wanted to say to you... Things that I need to get off my chest...

Fuck I don't even know where to begin...

Listen...

There is no words to begin to tell you how sorry I am. Truly and honestly.

You didn't deserve what happened and it's all my fault.

It's been three weeks since the crash and a week since you left us for good.

If only I had chosen a different route that day or waited until the next day like you suggested instead of offering to go on that day. Maybe then you would still be with us talking, laughing, making videos and so on.

You should have been able to marry Ryan. But now... Now you can't... And it's all my fault!

I'm so sorry! I took your happy life away!

They tell me that it wasn't my fault. That I wasn't the drunk driver and I was obeying the laws of the road. But I still feel completely responsible.

I should have gone another route. I should have done something, anything to prevent this!

Gavin has told me that I couldn't have known but still...

When I saw you laying there and heard that you weren't waking up I couldn't believe it. I couldn't believe what I had done to you.

I didn't think that I'd be able to face you again because of what I had done but Gavin kept brining me to see you and Ryan. Even if it wasn't for too long and not too often.

Every time he would hope that you were awake and that we would be told that you were going to be okay... But it was the same every time... You still hadn't even woken up.

Then suddenly you were gone.

It was too much for me. Both me and Gavin haven't really left the house in the past week.

Just the thought that I took away your happy life just made me feel so terrible.

I should have listened to you. I should have agreed to your suggestion of doing it the next day. I shouldn't have gotten you to go on that day.

And now because of that stupidity you're gone.

It all just happened so fast. We were driving along when the drunk driver hit us hard. Then we ended up rolling into a ditch where I ended up being knocked out. I work up for like a few seconds but everything was blurred from the noise to my senses as I mostly saw lights but just before passing out again I think I turned to you. Then next thing I know I'm waking up in the hospital.

My injuries are still healing but there are times that I feel like I am not worthy of how well my injuries are healing.

I wish I could go back and tell myself to not drive with you that day. Then you could still be with us. I tore apart your happy life.

A small part of me does say that it wasn't really my fault. It was that driver who decided to drive drunk and speed as well. But I can't help it. I hate myself for what happened to you.

Some days I even wonder why I was the one to live and why you had to die. Why couldn't it have been that fucking drunk driver!? Then he'd truly pay for his fucking actions!

I fucking hate him! I don't care that he's being charged for his behaviour. I wish it was him who had died then you could live your happy life even marrying Ryan and I wouldn't hate myself.

But I'll do my best. For you. I know that if you could you'd be telling me to stop hating myself. That it wasn't my fault.

No matter how much I continue to blame myself... I mean two months after you got engaged and I took you down with me in that crash... I'll still do my best. To live for your sake even if you're no longer with us.

I think I'll give this to Ryan. It might also help him. He's pretty much been a shut in since you left for good.

Not a word has been spoken by him but he wears the engagement ring, he let you put on him, like it's an official wedding ring. He seems so distant to everyone now so maybe it will help him to read these entries.

I'm sorry Ray. I really am. But I hope that you are at peace.

With deep sorrow, Michael.


	10. Chapter 10

Chapter ten: Final entry.

Ray? Ray my love it's Ryan.

It's been awhile. Just a little over a week now. But I still wish you were here.

Michael approached me and handed me this saying that it was yours.

At first I was confused as to why he had something of yours but I just took it and left. I wanted to find out what was inside.

I cried after seeing your entries but I also was smiling.

Ray. You're perfect. No matter how you are.

Even on our first date I wouldn't have lost any love for you or anything even if you went in your pyjamas. Jut as long as you stayed as who you are I was happy.

And you did stay as yourself which I was so happy to see.

You never needed to change yourself to make me love you.

You've got me to love you so deeply that every day and night you're always in my head. I clutch your favourite purple sweater to my chest every night as I dream about you even after I cry every night. It's sometimes like I'm still able to hold you.

Then I noticed that others had written in this. I felt angry at them.

What right did they have to write in here!? This was your special thing!

I read them anyways… And I was still angry but I didn't say anything… I just will keep this away from them so no one else can write in it. I only decided to write in it because the last person to write in this should be you but… You can't… So I thought that with me being the closest then I would give a final entry.

You know a part of me want's to blame Michael for what happened but I can't… It was the drunk driver that caused the crash… I only am angry that he took you with him that day… I know that he couldn't have known that this would happen though I still feel angry to him about it…

Why did it have to be you!?

… However…

I understand that it could have just easily been me in that car that day. Then you would be enduring the pain that I am enduring and I would never wish it upon you. You don't deserve pain.

You were my angel in the dark after all. I never thought I would love or be loved because I was a bit of a psycho as you know… But then I met you and my changed forever.

Now I don't really say anything or try to show that I am angry about him taking you that day… But I really can't blame him… Plus I was surprised as I could see that there were tear stains on his entry. I never thought of Michael as someone to cry so it was really surprising to see that as I read the entry.

If you could have seen how he looked every day that Gavin dragged him to visit after the first day in hopes that you'd wake up and be okay… There is obvious sorrow and guilt that is showing with everything about him. Along with the entry that he made he seems to be blaming himself enough for the both of us so I can't bring myself to blame him for the crash.

You know just recently I finished recording for a special episode of X-ray and Vav. The final episode of it being X-ray and Vav as they have thought about switching it to Mogar and Vav. The episode was all my idea and everyone agreed on letting it be made. In the episode X-ray is alone and runs in with the Mad King and they have secretly admired each other so they get together. Vav ends up finding out and wants X-ray to give it up but X-ray refuses and he runs off with the Mad King. Someone might have to record some lines for you and at the end of the episode they decided to make a special montage of pictures and videos taken of you to make sure that the fans understand that you are gone as well as it's like a special little thing just for you.

There is also talk of doing this Rooster teeth sleepover in your honor and raise money as they record it all.

I think it's sweet of them to do that and one of my favorites is that there is also a new line of stuff for sale all done in your honor as well as about you.

So yeah the others are making a whole bunch of things in your honor. It's nice of them to do that.

I think that they think it might help me but I'm sure about attending right now. I can hardly even go to that building because of all the memories… I just try to deal with the memories in our home instead…

I really miss you. And I love you with every fiber of my being.

I've actually been wearing the engagement ring I let you put on me as my wedding ring to you. I push away anyone who comes onto me saying that I am taken. I'll always belong to you no matter what happens.

I don't know if you know but I visit you every day and sometimes I talk to you even if I get weird stares from others there… Even if all I ever see is a cold dark stone now…

Life without you has been hard to be honest.

But I know that even when you're gone you'll still try to be there for me even if I don't realize it. So maybe you're reading this over my shoulder or something.

Anyways I have said most of what I wanted on the days that I visit you so this probably wasn't really a long entry and I know that you deserve to be talked to face to face so any words only meant for you can wait and not be put in here.

So wait for me. I'll see you soon my love.

With lots of love Ryan.

AN:

And that's the end!

I wanted to try this format out and it was weird because I felt that it was better without a set minimum limit for the words in it.

I hope you enjoyed it!

Reviews are awesome and flamers will be used to make cookies!

Kitkat.


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